Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Stealing

Are you a thief? If so, go die. No, seriously...I hate you.

I had my window broken and my CDs stolen for the second time this Fall. And before you attribute this little bit of misfortune to my beloved Detroit, I should mention that both incidents took place north of the border (Canada, I'm looking in YOUR direction). I now fully support Draconian measures to dissuade any pilfering pricks from entering my vehicle. I've never really had a problem with the death penalty. I know some of my more liberal brethren are gasping in obligatory outrage, but this is purely a philosophical opposition. I know capital punishment is flawed and unequally applied, and I don't think it deters crime. But, to me, if you take another person's life in a heinous enough manner, you forfeit the right to your own.

I will admit - reluctantly - that the bastard who took my stuff probably doesn't deserve to die. But when I think of that fucker with my Old 97s CDs, I get VERY angry. I mean, at the very least, a caning (or perhaps a booting) is in order.

'tis the season?

So it's been a while.

Another Christmas has come and gone. I generally like to bitch and moan about holidays (and most everything else). It was always easier to avoid and decry the masses, instead surrounding myself with like-minded curmudgeons who validate my half-assed theories about how everyone and everything sucks. That said, I rather enjoyed the holiday season this year. Swilling copious amounts of custard nog and listening to Mojo Nixon's "Horny Holidays" put me in an unusually festive mood. Sure, it's still an obscenely commercialized pile of American consumerism, but sometimes people surprise me...especially in their capacity to not suck. No, I still don't care much for humanity as a whole, but some people - the important ones - were cool this year, and that makes all the difference.

Some yuletide observations:

- I like Christmas lights. They're aesthetically pleasing and appealing. But please resist the urge to turn your house into a Griswold-esque spectacle that uses more power than the entire eastern seaboard. Bleh.

- Why red lights? They're not even remotely Christmas-y. Red lights look creepy, even satanic. I suppose if Tom Waits is right, and the devil is indeed just "god when he's drunk," then red lights make at least a modicum of sense.

- I've never kissed anyone under a mistletoe before. It always sounded so risky (no, not risque...that would be fun). What if I get cornered by one of my many stalkers? The tradition does, however, date back to pagan fertility cults, which is totally cool. It's amazing how many many Christmas traditions can be traced back to polytheistic practices...but that's another story...

- "Scrooged" and "Christmas Vacation" are great movies.

- On Christmas morning, I awoke to the muppets singing the "12 Days of Christmas," which was dead cool. Unfortunately, this was followed by the vomit-inducing awfulness of "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year."

- I know everyone likes to sing along to "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer," but there's a dreadful little message embedded in that song. Rudolph is an outcast, shunned by all of the other reindeer simply because of his physical appearance. The others verbally abuse poor Rudolph, laughing, calling him names, and such. They won't even play games with him. Of course, then the fog rolls in, and suddenly Rudolph's nose serves a purpose. Santa, who did nothing to help Rudolph before, now needs the nose to save his ass. Suddenly the red-nosed freak is a goddamn hero. And only THEN did all the reindeer love him. Only after his hideous disfigurement proved useful to others was Rudolph accepted. Some message. Just remember, kids, it's OK to be different. Others will like you, just so long as they can use you in some way. Bah. Rudolph should have told that fat bastard to fuck right off and started his own indie workshop on the Island of Misfit Toys.

- Despite my tendency towards rants like the one above, I really like the sentiment behind Christmas. I like what it tries to be, even when it doesn't succeed. I even have a tree in my window. Yeah, we're all walking contradictions.

Happy Holidays, dear reader(s).

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Words

Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.

-Mark Twain